You Are Not Barbie
by twinkachu
Summary: Kurt is going to be the death of Dave. Dave just hopes it wont be literal. Part 5 of the 365 day project.


In the beginning of their relationship had found everything about Kurt impossibly charming. As the newness wore off he could admit that sometimes his boyfriend was incredibly irritating at times, but it didn't make him love Kurt any less. Habits like leaving his dirty towels on the floor or valuing his shoe collection more than people's lives were exasperating but Kurt made up for them in other ways. But then there were habits that Dave had not anticipated being annoying. The kind that dug roots into your mind before you realized how much you hated them.  
He began to take note of it when Kurt had taken up pole dancing as a way to lose some holiday weight. Dave loved this hobby, approved of it fully. He even arranged to have a pole built into their bedroom. But then Kurt decided that he wanted to pick up scrapbooking instead. Dave spent months eyeing the pole with sad eyes and wondering what it would take to convince Kurt to take it up again while watching his boyfriend fill scrapbook after scrapbook of his so called adventures. Dave wondered if all people who were drawn to scrapbooking were narcissistic or if scrapbooking made them that way. "See this? Remember when we rewatched A Chorus Line and cuddled on the couch? God, I am so cute," cooed Kurt. Dave paused before shaking his head. "Babe, that was last night. Please give it a rest." The next scrapbook page was called 'Davey sleeps on the couch'.  
Knitting followed, which Dave actually found kind of cute. Kurt looked adorable and domestic curled up on the sofa knitting. And Dave couldn't deny that he liked his new socks, scarves, and hats. The mittens were a bit ridiculous on a grown man, but they certainly felt nice and warm. It was only when knitting was combined with kitten fostering that Dave had to take a stand. "Our entire house is kittens a yarn!" he cried miserably as a particularly feisty tabby named Buttface used his schoolbag as a litterbox. A slight allergy to cat dander sealed the deal and Kurt vowed to never have a cat again.  
Promising to cleanse them both after the kitten incident, Kurt began feeding them a vegan diet. Dave didn't really mind it, a lot of it was actually pretty good. He just really missed kicking back with a big juicy cheeseburger. It ended only when Kurt could not find a vegan cheesecake that he truly enjoyed. That night they ate at McDonald's, and Dave was in honest to god tears before he had finished his first bite. "I'm just so happy," he said while hiding his face.  
Pottery came next. Since it didn't affect his diet nor was it able to pee on his homework Dave praised each slightly uneven offering Kurt brought home with the enthusiasm of a man encountering a startling work of genius. "Come make a vase with me," Kurt coaxed. "It'll be just like that scene from Ghost. It's so romantic." Dave looked over a half dozen oddly shaped bowls and nodded. He wouldn't win this battle. "Of course, babe." Patrick Swayze's character had it so much easier, he thought. At least he was dead.  
Through his pottery classes Kurt met some people who were firm believers in mental orgasms. Dave discovered this new hobby when he walked in on a group of them laying in what must have been a massive mental circle jerk. Dave stood there with a strange look on his face before slowly leaving the apartment and going to the bar for several hours. Kurt may or may not be fulfilled, but Dave couldn't quite get it up with the image of a bunch of grizzled old hippies moaning next to his favorite chair.  
Shortly before finals week Kurt decided to tinker with computer programming. Nerd chic was very in, after all. Dave opened his laptop to retrieve a paper only to discover his system files missing. He sat there trying to remember his anger management classes before Kurt over in a choked voice. "Have you been touching my laptop, Kurt?" he asked tersely. Kurt nodded before going into a breathless explanation of his many ideas for how to improve it. Something inside Dave snapped. "You. Are not. Barbie! You don't get to change your interests the way you change your outfits it's psycho! You're insane!" Kurt recoiled as if he had been slapped, his eyes filled with tears. "Kurt sweetheart no, I'm sorry I'm not mad-" It was far too late. Kurt had slumped over and Dave felt like the worst kind of monster: The kind that shattered dreams.  
"I'm sorry," Kurt said quietly. "I just get kind of scared that I'll get bored so I pick up all of these stupid hobbies and how do you put up with me?" Dave wasn't quite sure how Kurt apologizing managed to make him feel so much worse, but it did. "Please don't," Dave said quickly. "It's okay. I want you to have hobbies and be happy, you know that. But sometimes you get the crazy Kurt look in your eyes and suddenly all we're eating is tofu. What if you end up doing something dangerous next time like skydiving or cannibalism?" Kurt covered a small giggle. "You're overreacting, I promise." Dave shrugged and wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist. "I'll tone it down, Dave. I promise."  
"And I promise not to crush your dreams." Kurt kissed Dave's chest and yet again Dave was reminded of why he had fallen so hard for Kurt in the first place, obnoxious habits or not. "Perfect. Hey, what about venomous snake wrangling?"


End file.
